Forgiving someone who has hurt or wronged you can be tough.
When you’ve been hurt, betrayed, lied to, or otherwise mistreated it can be tough to get past it. However, “holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies” (attributed to Nelson Mandela). Harboring anger and resentment takes a toll on one’s physical, mental, social, and spiritual well-being. From depression and anxiety to ulcers, lack of motivation and loss of friends and spiritual connections, unforgiveness can permeate your soul and cause you to miss out on the best parts of life.
To be clear, forgiveness is NOT about excusing the wrongs of another. It’s not about allowing others to mistreat you.
Forgiveness is about saving yourself from the pain, frustration, and negativity of reliving something that’s over and done with. It’s about letting go of the past so you can fully embrace and enjoy the present. It’s about taking back your control over your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
Don’t add undue frustration to the damage that has already been done. Let it go.
Truth be told, the person who hurt you probably isn’t even thinking about your feelings. They may not even realize you were hurt or offended. Even if they are aware, you can’t control anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, or behavior.
But… YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE WHAT YOU WILL THINK AND DO AND FEEL!
That said, it can be challenging! Many (perhaps most) of us have been taught to expect justice when we believe someone has done wrong. However, forgiveness isn’t about justice- or fairness. Forgiveness requires letting go of retribution, and accepting that justice is not always served and is rarely yours to mete out.
Forgiveness is about deciding whether you will sully your life and relationships being unhappy or choose to do something else.
Some actions that you may find helpful in your journey to forgive:
- You may make the effort to have a calm, private conversation with the other person and tell them how you feel, what they did, and what you’d like them to do now.
For example, you may say: “I feel hurt since you stood me up on my birthday. Would you please explain to me how that happened and why you’ve never apologized? *
- Sometimes it can be useful to write a letter to the other person telling them your thoughts and feelings about what happened that upset you. Pour it all out- the good, the bad, and the ugly. Once you’ve exhausted all your thoughts and feelings, you can decide if it’s worth trying to reconcile. If you’d like to try to reconcile, do #1 above. If not, create a vanquishing ritual. Shred, tear up, or burn the letter to symbolize you have let go of it. Then make it your mission to replace any future negativity that rises up on the matter with an immediate positive alternative. Rather than tell someone about it, or ruminate over what went wrong you might try repeating firmly “I choose to be happy” over and over out loud until you can engage yourself in something else to think about or do.
It’s quite remarkable how we tend to get what we put our minds to. If we choose to think about what causes us pain, we will create a self-fulfilling experience of continued and ever-growing pain. On the other hand, if we choose to think about, speak about, and visualize our version of “happy,” we will get a lot more of that.
Will you choose to live in the pain, offense, anger of unforgiveness? Or will you choose “happy” and forgive
*Refer to “Be Exceptional at Communication” posted 4-2-2025 for more a detailed explanation of “I” messages.
Comments are welcome! If you have suggestions to add for those struggling with this issue, let us know!
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