Forgiveness is a topic that comes up often with the clientele I serve. Honestly, “oops, my bad” is neither an apology nor a request for forgiveness. For a minor, one-time infraction or mistake, “I’m sorry” may be enough, but for painful missteps or egregious wrongs one usually needs to ask forgiveness before resolution will be achieved.
You need to start with a solid apology. Your apology must be genuine and you must mean and follow through on whatever you say regardless of the other’s response. For example: “I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends. It was wrong and I’ll do my best not to let it happen again.” State what you did wrong and what you will do and/or have already done to make it right.
Then you need to specifically ask for forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?” This is a short and specific yes-or-no request.
Keep it this simple and straight-forward! Don’t muddy it up with excuses or explanations and stick to just the one point: “I was wrong,” say what you did that was wrong, I will do (fill in the blank) to try and make things better, and “Will you please forgive me?”
Once asked, wait for the other person to respond. Be prepared for them to say “Yes” or “No” or something else. Give them time to say whatever and everything they wish to say while you listen respectfully and attentively without interruption until they’re done.
If this results in a “Yes” this is the ideal. Because you have been told “yes” you can accept and believe you’re forgiven and move forward accordingly. You are obliged to follow through on “not letting it happen again.” Because they have said “yes” they have committed out loud to do so. Saying and hearing the words out loud helps make them real and true.
It’s entirely possible the answer could be “no” or “not now” or require some further dialogue to arrive at a yes or no.
You aren’t in control of the other’s response so accept it graciously. Give them time if they ask for time- however much time they need. Accept “No” for the answer if a “No” is what you get. If the situation requires more dialogue, stick to the request for forgiveness and take time-outs to pause, reset, and/or think as needed for this discussion to flow as smoothly as possible. Take care not to let this talk become about additional content until you have exhausted the dialogue about forgiveness for the specified offense.
If the other person says “no”, or asks for time, accept and agree to that. YOU HAVE DONE YOUR PART and the next move is theirs. Let it go until the other person is ready to bring it up again.
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