As the holidays approach I’m seeing a prevalence of grief concerns among the clients I treat. Grief is a normal response to significant loss, and not just loss to death. Many unanticipated, life-altering events can lead to profound grief that may rival the death of a loved one in its impact on an individual or family: loss of a significant relationship; loss of home or community; loss of health; loss of career or financial setbacks; deployments; loss of friend group as with change of school or job; and more.
Children and teens often don’t have the words to describe their experiences and emotions related to their losses. They may not know how to approach you if they do have words. Finding the balance between creating fears, confusion, and other difficult emotions that aren’t there and opening a door to provide opportunity for comfort and understanding can be tough.
If a youngster you care about is experiencing emotional or behavioral changes following a loss, it may be worthwhile to seek help from someone with training and experience to assist you in identifying the root of the problem and helping you and your loved one work through it.
For now, here is a holiday activity that might allow you to begin processing some of the thoughts and feelings surrounding the loss without the pressure of anyone having to figure what to ask, how to ask it, or what to say once it’s out there.
- Has your child lost a best friend due to a move?
- Is a parent deployed?
- Are they losing a grandparent’s presence and attention due to dementia or illness?
- Has their sibling moved away to college?
- Are they at a new school without their friends?
- Did a pet die or run away?
I propose that you see if they might dress up for Halloween as their “absent” loved one this year and go through their Halloween day thinking about what their loved one would say or do regarding the experiences of the day.
- What would Tommy say about Ms. Carmichael’s lame fairy costume?
- How would Grandpa help me with this history paper?
- Dad would love the Halloween cupcakes we’re making.
- Lady would be chasing that crazy squirrel if she were here now.
This is intended to allow the participant to think about their missing loved one in an affectionate and, hopefully, enjoyable way, that is neither threatening nor overwhelming. Something to gently open the door to process some feelings and start some healing. It should be presented as a choice, without pressure.
At the end of their day, invite them to tell you about the experience. Allow them to say, do, and feel whatever comes. And work the conversation around to assuring them that as long as they keep these kinds of memories in their heart, their Person will still be in their life as often as they think of them.
While this is proposed with children and younger teens in mind (trick-or-treaters), there is no reason it can’t be modified for an older teen, adult, or as a family/group activity if the loss is shared.
Good luck transitioning your child to the “new normal” of their loss.
Look for more to come as we proceed through this 2024 Holiday Season. And if you or your loved one seems to need more emotional and behavioral support than you’re able to provide, Preferred Practice is here to help with your family’s mental/behavioral needs.
Happy Halloween!
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