The Firsts are the Worst!

Getting through all the significant occasions of the FIRST YEAR without your lost loved one may be the most painful and difficult period you ever experience. The FIRST BIRTHDAY, the FIRST CHRISTMAS, THANKSGIVING, NEW YEAR’S, VALENTINE’S, WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, DEATH ANNIVERSARY, and on and on and on. And then, there are all the FIRSTS that he or she doesn’t get to be a part of: BIRTHS, WEDDINGS, RETIREMENTS, GRADUATIONS, PROMOTIONS, VACATIONS- again the list goes on for the dreams and plans that go unfulfilled. But somehow, we humans manage to prevail over the losses and survive. Somehow year after year, loss by loss, generation to generation we find ways to continue to carry on beyond even our most devastating losses.

Grief is a profoundly personal experience and each loss is unique. Your experience of loss is not going to be the same as someone else’s; and one loss you experience will not be the same as any other loss you experience. Allow yourself the grace to feel the way you feel for as long as it lasts because there is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel and no set amount of time for grief to last before it’s over. In fact, my experience has been that there is no end to any profoundly, life-altering loss. With time and the ability to allow our feelings to run their course as they need to do so, we relax into a comfortableness with the waves of emotion coming less frequently and, mostly, less intensely over time. But we don’t forget. We don’t stop missing them. And we never stop having feelings about losing them. It seems that feelings shift toward a more bittersweet area where we can remember and find joy in our cherished memories alongside our sadness, anger, and loneliness.

Some things you may find helpful as you go through your grief journey are:

• Make time to feel all the emotions that come to you for as long as they last. To deny them, avoid them, push them away is to be trapped in them. So cry as much or as little as you need, punch your pillow, find a place to scream at the top of your lungs, pray, laugh (yes, it’s ok to feel positive feelings even in your grief!), run or bake or clean, or sit in silence and just breath a sigh of relief if that’s what you feel compelled to do to let your feelings flow through you and dissipate into the universe.
• Recognize that, in addition to the diverse and varied range of feelings associated with grief and loss, there’s a myriad of Physical reactions, Mental reactions, Spiritual reactions, and Social Behaviors which are common to the grief experience. Again, give yourself grace if you find yourself unable to respond in your usual fashion to others or maintain your usual habits as you go through the day. It’s ok to be overwhelmed. It’s ok to be frozen. It’s ok to NOT be yourself in the depths of your sorrow.
• Allow yourself tell those you love how you feel and what you need. Allow those who want to be there for you to actually do so- tell them what you need honestly- even if it’s to be left alone sometimes. And then build your strength back from their loving gestures and kind presence.

Grief is hard. And the holidays are especially tough on the grieving. It is often helpful if you can find some balance between mourning the loss and celebrating the beauty and significance of the life of the one you lost:

• For thanksgiving, perhaps you can set a place for your missing loved one at the table with a memory book and have each person present bring a picture, make a momento, or write a note for the book: something that is special to them about the lost loved one that will become a permanent part of the memory book that the whole family can treasure.
• For Christmas, give some token of the lost loved one to each family member as you gather to celebrate and exchange Christmas gifts.
• Honor your loved one by serving their favorite food or dessert at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.
• Mark the first anniversary of their death by leaving momentos at the grave, letting balloons go at a family picnic, planting a tree, painting a mural, building a bench or gazebo as a monument to your loved one.
• Make a donation in the loved ones’ memory: money to a cause s/he would approve of; food/clothes/gifts to a nursing home, children’s home, or another worthy cause.
• Continue one of their holiday traditions such as: sending Christmas cards; cooking/serving at a shelter; Playing Santa; attending a religious or community holiday event.
• Make a new tradition in their memory: any of the above.
• Be creative and think of what would matter to the one you lost and make a positive impact on yourself and others on his/her behalf.
• Instead of dreading the holidays, make a plan to make the holidays better for someone else and they will also be better for you.

Be blessed this holiday season!